I know its been a long time but, have had a lots of problems, and my feelings just make me so tired and I’m unmotivated, I would to cry can. The self harming has sort of stopped.
My mum always wonders why I go to my boyfriend’s a lot, well its because I don’t have the problems over me or I can talk to my boyfriend openly and know I won’t upset him if un like I spoke to my mum about the problems then I may upset her which o don’t want to do at all.

I am tired of not doing anything and my moods just change like that, I can be happy, then sad, or whatever but I never really know why.

It art therapy the lady like you have to open up and not stop or skip certain things because I don’t want to get upset in front of her, I hate people seeing me like that.

I hate the fact that I wonder what people think about me.

Amy

I have had a few session of Art Therapy, it is going good, I am to say things via a picture which I can normally say or the hidden feelings. I do come home and I feel confused but I get over it in time ready for the next session.
This last session though has got to be a bit and I am more confused then ever, so I want to hurt myself so bad just to get the confusion from me.

I may be returning to work next week, I have mixed emotion, I am so happy to be going back but I have this wonder how will people be with me?

We had a lot of problems this week within family and it made me mad and angry and I wanted to cut I only done small ones but it felt so good after nearly a month without doing it.

Myspace is going great, I am contacting lots of different people who like me have been abused, they are so brave to stand up and be counted for.

I read Jayne’s book over the last week it took from last Wednesday night until Thursday to read the whole book, I was hooked on it, Jayne should be really proud of herself for coming though other other side of it all. I also read her article in the Women’s Own, please do read Jayne’s book DESTORYED.

Thank you and I will write again soon, I promise I won’t leave it that long this time.

Amy

Dear Dairy,

16.04.08

Its been am ok day today I guess, haven’t had much energy to do anything, so I sat and watched DVDs most of the day.

Last night I had one weird dream, I was just dreaming then it turned into a girl started to chase me down my street, I’m not sure if it’s the same girl in my other dreams, this time she had a bit darker hair.

I got thinking yesterday if the girl I see is the girl I used to be? The girl before all the bad?

It’s the first time I have talked about what happened to me last year, I went to my auntie’s birthday party at her house, when my family left her party and I stayed (as was sleeping over) I was sexual assaulted by my cousin friend in my auntie’s bed (was in her bed due to it being 2:30am, and I was tired,) I didn’t dare tell anyone until the Sunday night, and it happened on Saturday. I guess I was thinking it wasn’t really true. My mum called the police and I had to wait until Tuesday to see someone, I was in my first week of my job so I was nervous about a lot of things that week, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to do anything at all just crawl up and hide away.

That how come my self harming started again and my depression became so bad, my feelings were all over the place it was horrible.

The police decided to take it further I had to wait until February 2008 to go to court, it was the hardness day of my life having to give evidence via video link (after some fight to get it ) my family sat in the room next door while I gave evidence, I broke down in tears just saying what happened.

We left the court and got a call from the person from court saying the boy was found…….NOT guilty!!! Due to a problem with witness .

That was it all that waiting all that pain for nothing, I felt numb I just wanted to cry, I spoke of what happen to me in a court for nothing…he now can be doing it to another girl, I tried to help but it didn’t work did it?

When I didn’t take the teacher to court and he carried on doing things to children. When I saw what he had done I felt guilty for not doing anything about it…I could of saved a lot of children heartache but I didn’t. I’m so sorry to all them children for the last 7-8years of what he done, I could of stopped him but I didn’t because I wasn’t strong enough, but like they say sorry won’t change things or make it better.

I go to my first art therapy thing on Friday, I am hoping this is the way forward and it will help me get to the bottom of what causing me to be like this and to meet others who are like me and understand.
I am a bit nervous as I have to start all over again and tell them what has happened in my life so far.

I’m off now! So speak soon keep smiling J

P.S I went to asda yesterday to get Jayne Sterne book Destroyed…but I haven’t had a chance to look at it as mum reading it…typical, but I am so going to read it though.

Amy

 

 

 

Dear Diary, (12.03.08 )

 

 

This is the first day I am writing to you, I used to write along time ago but, it got to hard to put my feeling to writing, the lady from a service for self harming told me to write my feeling down so here I am writing them down.

 

I started self harming last year it started off just putting hair tongs on my hand, legs for a bit until I could feel it burn me, it rarely left scars or anything just a sore patch, but I can't explain it but it helped me after a while the burning didn't help so I tried other things a long the lines of nail clippers and scissors, needles, safety pins it got so bad at stages other the year.

My doctor gave me a higher dose of depression medicine, a lot over the last year, I stopped seeing my counsellor after a few years too and I stopped being home educated and got a job in a furniture factory, I started on June 28th the day before I got sexually assaulted at my aunty's house by a friend of my cousin. for a day or two I didn't tell anyone about what happen to me, when I did my mum rang the police. I didn't feel me at all I felt the way I did when people found out about the abuse from the teacher in the past, it's hard to explain if you haven't been through it yourself.

I odd days off of work because I couldn't cope, and self harming start to happen more often and I started doing it nearly everyday and I didn't care, people start to noticed so I went from cutting my arms to my thighs, my bikini line and tummy, as no one saw this places apart from me.

 

I would have to have day off work because the cuts hurt soooo much, or they wouldn't stop bleeding, sometimes I couldn't get my jeans on of my knickers because the areas where so sore.

I would go back and forth to the doctors to have them checked, then I went to see special people who would help me but they just blamed everything from my parents to my job to my past, it just made me feel so much worse I hated it so much how would they know what's going on in my head?

 

At the moment I'm off work because my depression got worse over the last couple of months, I went to court over being sexually assaulted but he was found not guilty, this had a bad effect on me. I kept crying at work and my boss said that I cant go back until a have a full medical and am fit to work, I still cry at night or in the bathroom so no one can hear or see me, I still stick things in my skin just for the pain even if they don't bleed, I don't like people knowing I've cried or am crying.I can't sleep at night so I'm having to take sleeping tablets.

 

 

I think my family think I don't cry but I do still cry the only way sometimes If i don't cry i look into space and thinking how i would love my life to be.

 

 

Thanks for now I'll write soon

Morning it’s 22nd march 2008, well I went to the doctors last Monday as I used my earrings back to poke holes in my breasts again and they where swollen and hot they were so red it hurt all the time, I didn’t know what to do with them, so I went to my doctor who looked at them and he changed my antibiotics to a different sort to try and get rid of all the inflections in my body again,
I also had to have antibiotic cream and had to dress the wounds to keep them protected.

I had my letter this week to go and see the art therapy person to talk and draw, its in a few weeks away, but at least people are trying to help me I guess?

I’ve been off sick from work for three weeks and it started to really annoy me as I miss being out of the house again, missing all my friends and stuff, but I understand that my boss cant have me if I still self harming which I am I can’t explain why I am though, I just do it. I’ve tried it stop and I do for a few days then I just have this thing in my mind clicks and I do it.

My sick note runs out on Monday so I have to go to the doctors to see if I fit enough to go back to work.

Well HAPPY EASTER.

Amy

Speak soon

12.04.08

Well its been a bit weird lately, I keep seeing this women in a windrow wearing a pink dress and neck scarf and golden hair, I cant see the face nor arms, she out side a windrow which is half open facing inwards and half closed I don’t know who or what she is. I also keep hearing mumbles every so often I cant make out what the person saying to me its like they try to speak but I can’t understand it I hate it because I feel like i’m going mad…am I ?

The self harm is a bit bad at the moment with all the problems happening in my family life, I cute HATE YOU on my thigh, and poked holes in my breasts , tummy and bikini line. I can’t explain because I wouldn’t know where to start at all.

I cried the other day I just wanted to be put in hospital because I didn’t want to hurt my self any more I’m sick of hurting like this having to look in the mirror and see the scars, I just don’t think I can do it any more, my mood swings are happening more and more specially my mum I shout scream and tell her I hate her (etc…in some more detailed wording) . I don’t know what or who is controlling my feelings but I hate it.

Everyone know that I got boyfriend now he is my brother’s friend and her knows all about my past due to my brother told him plus he really supportive of me, and helps he cheers me up and it gives me hope that I won’t always feel the bad feelings to wards people.
I guess people have their own opinions about it but I have thought about it so much I like him and he understands my whole life and will try to help to talk bout it.

 

My sleeping hasn’t been to good keep waking up again the other day had to go sleep in mum’s room, to try and sleep but still didn’t work really, I just have to look at the ceiling…I know its so fun isn’t ?

 

I would like to thanks Jayne, (her book is called destroyed) she has been messaging me and is a wonderful person. So thank you so much.

I’ll write soon promise

Amy
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